PAUL T. LAMBERT

I Used To Be An Aluminum Chair 

Alien manatees came up out of the canals riding huge bugs (weevils) that escaped from NASA laboratories during yesterday’s storm. 

With the wind howling while entire tri-level mini-mansions flew overhead destined for far distant locales... New Jersey? 

Her parents screamed into the cell phone that the bugs were eating the palm trees in the front yard.

Mom that’s fine. Why don’t you let the cat out? He loves bugs. I’ve got to go now. I have a hair appointment at 3:00.

In a matter of seconds the Greyhound bus sized bugs broke through the front door of the house.

Meanwhile back at the diner.  

I approached the man who holding his head in apparent distress sat at the counter and asked for coffee. 

When I brought him the coffee he then asked for cream and honey. Well la dee da...

Up close on him I saw this knife handle protruding from his left ear with dried blood running down his neck. 

Hon is everything all right? 

The cafe darkened while winds whipped the blinds and the lights flickered. 

Hurricane weather like this gets on my nerves is all. I guess its better than those fires last summer though. 

Ain't that the truth. Hon, what will it be? 

He sorta moaned as he gripped his head and looked up at me appraisingly. 

I'll take this here Fried Chicken, the stewed tomatoes and okra and collards. 

Coming right up.

When I brought his order I saw he had pulled the knife out and was whispering to a small dog.

Sir we can't have dogs in the diner. It's against state and county rules. I'm gonna have to get the manager.

He said don't do that. He is my service rat and I have a note to that effect right here ma'am.

Sure enough he had a note from Keester Clinic signed by a Dr. Al "Blaster" Ackerman to that effect. Service rat, hmmm I never heard of that one before.

He's called Lester ma'am. Don't pet him. He takes a while to warm to new people unless of course you spilled food on yourself.

Now he asked me if I had a high chair. Hon I can get you a booster seat.

Much appreciated. Lester don't like to eat off the floor.

He thinks he's human you see and if I don't strap him in he's liable to walk up and down the counter sampling other peoples food.

By the way ma'am I sure do appreciate how clean and lint free your apron is. Why thank you hon, we try to look our best.

I just never been able to get my dark clothes especially the blacks to come out except all covered in lint.

Hon you've got to wash them by themselves and never put towels or socks anything like that in the same load.

Just then the cook shouted "Oh shit!". I heard the dishwasher say, "What is it a rat?" Yah and he just jumped into my new ragu sauce.

Does your rat Lester ever do anything like that? What's your name anyway hon?

My name is Fester T. Moore. It rhymes with my little furry friend here who is called Lester S. Moore.* 

Yep, Fester and Lester Moore at your service ma'am.

*Some years ago Lester and I were at a reception for the architect Ludwig Mies van der Rohe I introduced him to Lester my rat. You can call him Les. I heard Mies say: "Les S. Moore". Lester and I believe this is the basis of Mies van der Rohe most famous quotation, "Less is more".